Marriage Is Failing in Silence — And the Lies We Tell Are Making It Worse
Chief Editor, New York Parrot
Author of The Marriage Ledge
Marriage Is Not Dying — Honesty Is
Marriage is not collapsing because people no longer love each other.
It is collapsing because we have replaced truth with slogans, skills with sentiments, and honesty with endurance.
Across New York City—and far beyond—marriages are failing quietly. Not in dramatic courtrooms or viral social-media scandals, but in ordinary homes where couples stop speaking honestly, intimacy becomes transactional, and children learn far too early how to read adult fear.
And yet, we keep telling ourselves comforting lies—because lies are easier than responsibility.
The Two Biggest Lies About Marriage
Modern marriage is trapped between two dangerous myths, both socially acceptable, both deeply destructive.
Lie 1: Love Should Be Easy
We are told that if love is real, marriage should be effortless. When it becomes difficult, we assume we chose the wrong person. Movies celebrate weddings, not endurance. Social media glorifies aesthetics, not emotional labor.
We are trained to fall in love—but never taught how to stay emotionally intelligible to each other.
Lie 2: Suffering Equals Virtue
In many immigrant and faith communities, silence is praised as maturity. Endurance is framed as holiness. Women are urged to be patient. Men are excused as long as they “provide.”
Faith becomes anesthesia instead of guidance.
Different lies. Same damage.
Marriage Is Not a Feeling — It Is a Skill
This is the sentence we refuse to teach:
Marriage is not a reward for finding the right person.
It is a discipline for becoming a responsible one.
Love is necessary. It is not sufficient.
Without emotional literacy, communication skills, power awareness, and the ability to repair harm, love does not deepen—it depletes. Conflict does not disappear; it mutates into resentment, withdrawal, and quiet inequality.
This failure cuts across race, class, religion, and ideology.
Different Boroughs, Same Marital Breakdown
I have seen the same marital collapse repeat itself across New York City—only the language changes.
In the Bronx, marriages survive on sacrifice but starve emotionally. Also, in Manhattan, marriages perform success while outsourcing intimacy. More so, in Queens and Brooklyn, migration, ideology, and economic pressure overload love beyond its capacity.
Different accents. Same silences.
Men confuse provision with presence.
Women confuse patience with self-erasure.
Faith suppresses voice instead of enabling repair.
Therapy is treated as failure instead of responsibility.
And children quietly absorb the cost.
The Truth No One Wants to Say Out Loud
Here is the truth community leaders, religious institutions, and policymakers avoid:
Most people were never taught how to be married.
They were never taught how to fight without frightening children, how to listen without defending, how to name resentment before it hardens into contempt, how power operates through money, gender roles, migration status, and faith, or how to repair harm without humiliation.
We prepare couples for weddings, not for marriage—then shame them when things collapse.
That is not morality. It is, indeed, negligence.
Divorce Is Not the Villain — Dishonesty Is
This is not an anti-marriage argument.
It is also not an anti-divorce argument.
Some marriages should end. Some divorces are ethical. Some exits save dignity and safety.
But divorce is never neutral—especially for children—and pretending otherwise is another lie.
What destroys families is not divorce itself, but marriages that survive in name while dying in truth.
Longevity without intimacy is not success.
Silence without safety is not peace.
Staying without growth is not love.
What We Must Start Teaching Now
If we are serious about strengthening families—not just preserving appearances—we must replace slogans with skills.
We must teach emotional literacy as seriously as financial literacy, conflict repair as seriously as commitment, power awareness as seriously as faith, and presence as seriously as provision.
More imprtantly, we must stop praising endurance without asking: endurance of what, and at whose cost?
The Only Question That Matters
The question is not whether people should still marry. Humans will always seek continuity, witness, and shared meaning.
The real question is this:
Are we brave enough to tell the truth about what marriage actually demands?
Until we are, marriages will continue failing quietly. Children will keep learning the wrong lessons. Communities will keep applauding stability while ignoring harm.
Silence is not virtue.
Endurance is not always love.
And marriage—if it is to survive—must be taught honestly, or it will continue to collapse politely.
We do not have a marriage crisis. The reality is that we simply have a truth crisis.
About Author
Mutiu Olawuyi is the Chief Editor of New York Parrot, CEO of Parrot Media Corporation in New York, and the author of The Marriage Ledger, a documentary novel examining marriage, power, faith, and emotional literacy in New York City.
Click this link below to order a copy of the book.
https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Ledger-Mutiu-Olawuyi/dp/2487017139
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