Positive Solutions to Difficult American Problems by Dr. Ian McGroffes

It’s 2019 (sic, see note at bottom) and climate change is worsening our survival chances. It is time to take drastic action. What should we do? There is the controversial Green New Deal—that will require massive overhaul in infrastructure. With President Trump’s deregulations, this should not be too problematic. Thanks to President Obama’s stimulus package and the decreasing rates of unemployment under the current administration, there must be plenty of funding to distribute for this effort. The GDP has grown 3.2 percent this quarter, providing the economy with an additional 198 billion dollars. How much does the Green New Deal anticipate in costs? Republicans have estimated that the program would cost 93 trillion over a decade. Many experts note that the actual costs cannot be estimated because “it is too early” to note.

Too early for what? Too early for sustained climate action? We need to address the issues of bovine and shellfish flatulence. While we are discussing this, the time is ripe to address human flatulence as well. If science discovers a way to run cars on human flatulence, we as a race will improve drastically in bowel health. This will maximize self-reliance. We will no longer depend on Mother Earth and her fossil fuels. As far as the cows and shellfish, they can handle their own flatulence; it is none of my concern. However, we can break up the Baltic limestone so those little water critters won’t be able to feed themselves.

We also desperately need a Bureau of Population Control. We have the Guttmacher Institute but this isn’t enough to address real problems. Keeping statistics and sharing pivotal facts doesn’t convince anyone these days. We need sustained direct action, with or without Congressional approval, to address climate change. The Environmental Protection Agency has proven to be a failure with Flint water still soapy, and decline in federal revenue. We definitely need huge tax increases this year. With those tax dollars in the hands of well regulated bureaucrats, there shouldn’t be any trouble with regulatory capture. To solve a problem we need more oversight, not less. This is sound common sense.

Let’s start with positive solutions this quarter. Climate change will cause the human race to become extinct like the dinosaurs. We don’t want to become fossil fuels, do we? So let’s solve this together—without Congress, the President, the DREAMers, the Iranian Revolutionary Guards. What do I propose? Positive solutions! Positive solutions imply direct action. We must act fast on the facts at hand. First, we need to gather the facts. I would appoint Sheriff Joe Arpaio as national climate adviser. He has proven to be tough on crime. Climate change is a criminal act! We cannot let it cross our borders.

The feminists have the best solution ultimately. Simply stop having sex to protest the injustice of forced child births. Less people on the streets, less kids with guns shooting unarmed civilians. With children trying to improve their lives, they should not be forced to fear for them.

Population is in fact becoming a problem. The average global population increase is 82 million per year. Those are just the numbers. My solution for this quarter alone will cost the taxpayers $198 billion. Future costs will be determined by how well the unemployment rate sustains its growth. There will be abortions for women who are easy to look at. With those who are “looks imperiled” running the procreation march, we should have no problem reducing the population. Eugenics is considered unfashionable, but we must remember the term actually means “well born” according to its etymology. I trust etymology over common knowledge any day, having attained my Ph.D from three countries.

Now that we have developed a solid plan for solving the earth’s crisis, we need to market it well. Private employers are getting lazy and need more labor. Let’s add to their burdens slowly by giving them tasks they can agree with. No well endowed leftist will disagree with such work. The right will be all for such a bargain. It will reduce welfare expenditures by 72 percent over a period of 13 years, according to the Bureau of Welfare Statistics (a private firm located in the Himalayas).

Postmodernism need not be our downfall. If we take appropriate measures, slowly our problems will collapse and the economy will return to burdening us with crimes, children, forest fires, and other assorted activities. After all, public education needs plenty of insolent little foreigners to confuse things. We will put the DREAMers back to work on solving our issues; you know, those ones we cause ourselves (not the ones they cause). Remember the Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King once said, “When I have a dream, all must act on its behalf. For those born without dreams are children of capitalism.”

Yes, and while you are at it pay your alimony.

This op-ed was written in 2019 but published in 2021 at The New York Parrot.